I said it out loud, I’m afraid.
I haven’t even been home for 24hrs yet and I’m a mess. I started blogging again because I wanted some extra accountability to keep focused and be motivated by the progress,but now I feel like we’re back at square one.I realised probably a bit too late that I was using my first pulmonary embolism as an excuse to over indulge in EVERYTHING but I was working to correct everything and put us back where we needed to be.
Then feeling unwell I went to Emergency because I couldn’t shake my feeling that something wasn’t right, trouble is I was also shaking off a cold which had me second guessing my feeling for just cold and flu symptoms. Even the doctor who immediately saw me was convinced from the initial assessment that we wouldn’t be here for a blood clot, but we will check just to make sure…. I’m not kidding when I say this comment had me second guessing myself the whole time i was waiting and the by the 8th hour I was contemplating leaving and saying I would just see my gp.
Holy Batman, I am so thankful I still stopped and listened to my body, because when the doctor came back with my news from my ct scan I couldn’t believe it. I had another PE… Another blood clot sitting in my chest, not as immediately dangerous as my last one but still dangerous. I didn’t panic though, I have an idea of what happens next..
I’m back on my blood thinners, I’m lucky enough to be able to come home and have ‘hospital in the home’ until I become therapeutic and then I go back to my regular blood tests. Only I know where to not go wrong this time I guess, and I know that I need to stay focused and stop with the excuses. Excuses enable anything and everything.
I came home with my own focus and direction.I’m going to look at coming home as a blessing even though its a long and now painful road. Literally painful these needles to the stomach freaking hurt and well the bruises don’t help haha.
It was my first night back home again, this one was alot different.
Now the people who are in this immediate bubble concerned about me are now even more concerned and I can see the fear,worry and exhaustion in their eyes when they’re talking to me. Its hard to see that in your love ones eyes the first time, let alone the second.
I’m feeling it too.
Only this time around I’m afraid to fall asleep. I bet it pretty obviously as to why I’m afraid, I didn’t feel like this last time but then again I didn’t expect to have another PE in my chest. Every time I close my eyes and start to drift off, I wake in a panic. My heart racing and flutters in my chest, I don’t want to go to sleep.
I’m so afraid of falling sleep.